you're reading...
Grief, Health, Love, Mind, Travel

Difficult Times, Grief and Misconceptions

Update: I’m on the road, keeping the phone off. Oddly, I just saw the people in the bank video who stole my backpack and fraudulently cashed my checks. Saw them at a rest stop. Following me? I doubt it, but it is a little weird. I’ve been driving for days. Snow stopped me from reaching Alaska but I’ll keep trying.

With love,

– Xeno

—- Previous post:

I recently visited my fiancé’s garden memorial. I miss her very much. Know this, as God already does: I don’t fear the truth. I fear wrong analysis, cherry picking that leads to wrong conclusions when people have incorrect ideas and do not challenge their preconceptions with all of the facts.

This is a big reason I’ve blogged in the past opposed to the level of government monitoring of everyone that we have now and have had for years. Imagine if someone had what they call Total Information Awareness. Well, you can call it that, but it isn’t. Without real full mind reading, if someone tries to know a situation with only the digital parts, (or hesrsay) they will think they know stuff, but they still weren’t there, didn’t see facial expressions, the winks, the wry grins, the subtle interplay of people who grok eachother. The real stuff happens quickly and quietly. A kiss and a whisper, a squeeze of the hand at the right time. Without full context you get these false cartoon versions of reality that anyone who was there instantly knows to be wrong, misconstrued and just plain weird.

My fiance was, for six years, a personal chef for a billionaire, one of the richest men on the planet. He was a great guy. She liked him and it was mutual, she said. She told me he and I had some similar food tastes. I got to try some things she cooked for him. She really was amazing, what they call a “super taster” who could taste small differences in things few others could. That, her deep nutrition focus and creativity made her a brilliant chef. I enjoyed attending a few of the company Christmas parties with her too, fun people.

She eventually quit when she got too sick to keep working. She told me she kept making mistakes, could not focus, was getting too slow, and her brain was just not working.

When she quit, she handed him a CD of my unfinished music, and I think my web site, without telling me she was going to do it, because she wanted to help me and thought he might really like it. This embarrassed me because the songs where in an early stage, not very good. I don’t know that he ever listened.

After she passed, I deleted any photos and videos I found on her phone that she had taken at work because she had told me she wasn’t supposed to have taken them. That included texting them to me, pretty sure, before telling me she wasn’t supposed to. Nothing was a big deal, a car, grounds, a room, art, but still. There are some people you never want to annoy. I would rather destroy my own phone than risk that, out of respect. Anyway, she was fearless and a bit of a rebel.

My true strange life. Things are not always as they seem.

I hope that he and his people have an accurate perspective and will know, as her parents do, that she had a long progressive decline. We had no idea what it was, and dispite all the various treatments and tests, even going to Florida and Brazil at different points, despite all money could buy, nothing worked. I was sure we could bring her through, she always got better at certain times of the day, I would remind her. But she was overall getting slowly worse for a long time, including before I knew her.

Her years of worsening problems encluded fatigue, brain fog and trouble sleeping through the night. She thought this was due to toxins from having wisdom teeth removed, liver and gall bladder toxicity, heavy metal toxicity, adrenal fatigue, anti-depressants, and “parasites” but she never said anything about Lyme that I recall.

She told me when we first got together that she wouldn’t have much time for me because she spent a lot of time on her health. I was maybe 2% of her week. She had a huge network of friends from which she got the majority of her support. We disagreed on science vs spirit and on alternate medicine approaches to her health. When I said I’d leave her if she kept injecting ozone gas into her veins, for example, she called my bluff. She was fine with calling off our engagement, but we didn’t. I was a friend, one of many, but I wasn’t all that important to her. I know it, now you do too. It’s true.

I also did not know until reviewing her medical notes after she passed that she woke up covered with 50 ticks and had the red bullseye marks indicative of Lyme disease.

She never took antibiotics because she was concerned about messing up her gut flora. Lyme bacteria is related to Syphilis and both can get into the brain causing severe changes and distress. She slept only about an hour per night for many months in a row and I kept trying to get her to try a sleep lab to figure out why, but she saw no point in it, as she thought Western doctors were not helpful.

We (mostly she) tried so many things. Here are the supplements and meds she was taking or had taken. Many of them helped, but only for a while.

Lyme is difficult to fight. People try many things, and many things do help.

These are Xeno’s fiance’s meds/supplements in her home after she passed away.

I thought at one point I might have been a trigger for her, so I stayed away, skipped seeing her for a weekend or two, or she’d go on a trip. I even tried (with her knowledge) dating someone else once (one date) on her suggestion, but we both decided that dispite the stress of our disareements, were each a little better off having the other around.

She was a very strong person, strong with a graceful beauty. I never thought she would take her own life.

I’ve been distraught, like when she died and during other very stressful times, but never had any real interest in suicide myself.

I don’t want to see anyone hurt in any way, as you can tell by reading my years of blog entries. Since we all go eventually, I have been thinking about what I want to do with my remaining precious days.

I have a strong love for the USA, for this beautiful country, and would like to see the one state I have not yet visited: Alaska. I have a thought to take her ashes with me up there, perhaps. God of this simulation willing.

In Alaska, there are no state laws governing where you may keep or scatter ashes. Cremation renders ashes harmless, so there is no public health risk involved. Use common sense and refrain from scattering ashes in places where they would be obvious to others.

Via Nolo

That may be next, I’m not sure. My own diagnosed Lyme disease–I think that is what’s causing all this nerve twitching–is getting worse.

I’ve been worried lately that there is a misconception remaining. When I differ in views from someone, I tend to think one of the two of us is missing some key information. If it’s me, so be it. I’m very self critical and recently checked in with her parents to see if there is any other possible conclusion. We were the ones there supporting her at the end, doing all we could. Knowing her, as only parents can, and knowing everything they did, including what was going on with me at the time, and all we tried, Lyme is what makes sense. Not depression, etc.

I hope getting this out in the clear will allow me to sleep tonight without more strange things happening as they have been to gadgets in my vicinity. True strange stuff. I’ve had stuff happen that tech people I ask say isn’t even possible, like a gas pump selecting and lighting the wrong grade on the pump when I pushed a different button. Gaslighting with gas lights?! Impressive, a bit funny, brilliant… and spooky. But it happened.

Wishing you peace in your own difficult times.




About Xeno

E pluribus unum.


4 thoughts on “Difficult Times, Grief and Misconceptions

  1. I am so sorry to read about your friend’s demise. I can imagine but a small fraction of the pain she may have been suffering (to bring her to a desperate end).

    I didn’t know that Alaska allows for ashes to be spread anywhere. Your words about that reminded me of a scene in the “Bucket List.”

    As someone who has relied mostly on alternative and holistic health modalities, I sense the wisdom in your article. I understand finding balance between the Eastern and Western medical models is like walking a tightrope. I’d like to think we could walk that with a safety net. I hope many will read this and pause to reflect on their own choices. ❤️🦋🌀

    Liked by 1 person

    Posted by Sheila Murrey | 28 Jan 2019, 11:55 am
  2. What a sad story, Xeno. Thank you for sharing it. I am so sorry to hear that your own health is declining. I hope you managed to have a good sleep – and that you get to make the trip to Alaska. And to keep posting – your stories are so fascinating.
    Wishing you many more impressive, funny, brilliant moments

    Liked by 1 person

    Posted by Soul Gifts | 28 Jan 2019, 11:15 pm
  3. Thank you very much. I finally got in a few hours and it helped. I appreciate you and the kind words.


    Posted by Xeno | 29 Jan 2019, 3:48 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: